Loveless
by Traci Miller
Summary: Ichigo has an emo moment in the middle of the night while Renji sleeps.


Loveless

By: Vamprina

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters/merchandise. I am not making any money or gaining any reward for the existence or distribution of this fanfiction on the Internet or anywhere else. I am in no way affiliated with the owner(s) or affiliate(s) or any copyright holder(s) of Bleach, its characters/merchandise.

Warning: Shounen ai, lemon (off camera), angst, language, drama

Ichigo sat quietly in Renji's bedroom located somewhere within the Urahara Shoten. This was no secret to anyone else who knew about Ichigo's alternative lifestyle as a Shinigami representative. The carrot top and redhead would spent the night together most nights.

Sometimes the tall redhead would show up at Ichigo's bedroom window, other times Ichigo would stay with him at Urahara's. But, unfortunately, that's all it really was. Physical.

Ichigo was not the type of person who could get into a purely physical relationship. He always felt something. He couldn't make himself sleep with someone in the first place if he didn't. But, Renji had specified that it was only to be a physical relationship. So, Ichigo had taken what he could get.

He had thought he could do it...just sex for comfort and companionship. For a release of excess energy. Friends with benefits wouldn't be that bad, he'd told himself. But...that's not how it worked out for him.

He currently found himself sitting in the far corner of the room, uncaring of his nudity, one leg curled beneath his other leg, which was propped up so that he could hug that knee close to his chest. He stared at the redhead, sleeping soundly in a similarly nude state, though he was covered scantily by a sheet.

Why couldn't he be normal for once, he wondered to himself. A normal guy...well, alright, a normal gay man...would look at Renji and think something along the lines of, "God, he's hot, I'm so fuckin lucky he wants to fuck me."

Ichigo looked at Renji and thought, "Why can't he love me, too?" It was, the carrot top had decided, extremely stupid of him. Of course Renji didn't love him! The man, no the Shinigami might like how Ichigo looked. But, they had very little in common, he knew this. It began and it ended with Rukia and their mutual hard-headed attitude and passion for winning and protecting.

It sounded like a lot when you thought it out in a list or said it out loud like that. But...it really wasn't. He knew very little about Renji, the man didn't want to divulge a lot of information. And it was similar with Ichigo and his own past and current likes and dislikes. Not to mention that they came from two different worlds.

While it was true that Renji was once human like the Shinigami representative he'd taken to his bed, but he wasn't anymore. And...Ichigo knew that Renji didn't consider himself human. Maybe the man even considered himself _better_ than humans. Sometimes the orange-haired man wondered about that. The things the redhead said sometimes.

And let's not forget that Renji had 70 plus years on him. What could he possibly see in a human brat other than the physical? He looked no older than 20, but that didn't mean anything.

The boy sighed and leaned his head down to lay his cheek on his knee, looking away from Renji. It hurt to look at him and know that they could be so close to each other and yet...so damned far apart.

His ass ached, he always let Renji top him. Sex and the things done in the bedroom were off-limits for teasing. And, bottoming felt good, anyway. He was just glad to be with Renji and he knew the jerk wouldn't give up topping rights without a fight.

He felt like arguing sometimes, just out of a sudden jab at his pride at the random thought that bottoming made him seem girlish. But, then he looked up at Renji and thought...this might be the last time he'd get to sleep with him. Either of them could end up dead the next time they went out to fight. He knew that. And he knew Renji knew that. So, he didn't argue. It wasn't worth it just to soothe his wounded pride.

He sighed softly. A loveless relationship was the last thing he ever thought he'd get himself into. But that's what he'd done. And, even though he knew the differences between them made a gap too large to bridge with the small similarities they had together, he felt...dirty. Cheated. Ugly, even.

What was so wrong with him that Renji couldn't find it within himself to love Ichigo the way the teen loved him? There had to be something, he insisted to himself. Something he could fix that would allow Renji to love him.

But, he knew that was ridiculous. If he had to make a drastic change within himself then the relationship was dead before it began.

In times like this, quiet moments in the darkness, physically bare as he sometimes wished he could be emotionally just once...he almost felt like crying. But, he never did. Not before and not this time either. Sometimes a sniffle or two would escape, but only softly. Never any tears.

Because, crying never fixed anything. Tears wouldn't make Renji love him. Tears wouldn't get Renji to understand. In fact, the only thing they could possibly accomplish would be to wake Renji up and have the man cut off their physical relationship right then and there.

The boy knew the older Shinigami didn't want to hurt him through this relationship. And he would stop it immediately if he thought it was. Not because he loved Ichigo the way a lover would. But, because he and Ichigo were friends. And the redhead, much like the boy in the corner, would never want to truly hurt one of his friends. He was protective and passionate. It showed in their...fucking...and it showed in their fighting.

Renji was always rough in bed, but at the same time so gentle...so careful. He was aware of his size in comparison to Ichigo's...and the weight difference. The difference in muscle mass. The fact that he could very easily hurt the teenager. He was rough, but never violent.

And he loved it that way. The best moments were when it almost resembled making love. Slow, steady. Hard, but not exactly rough. Soft words whispered gently against mouths pressed together. This was usually after a particularly bad battle. Other times, after near-death experiences for one or both of them, they wouldn't even have sex.

They would simply lay there, holding each other. Soft kisses and gentle touches...almost as if they were truly lovers.

"Oi, Ichi...what the hell're ye doin over there?" Spoke the older man, groggy with sleep but still detecting the shift in Ichigo's reiatsu.

"Just thinkin..." Ichigo answered, quietly, muscles stiffening at the thought that he'd been caught.

"Well, whatever yer thinkin about, stop. Come back over here." Renji said, pulling aside the sheet that covered him to invite the teen to lay with him.

Ichigo looked at him for a moment, before sighing softly and unfolding himself, getting up and going over to the redhead, slipping beneath the sheet and onto the futon with him, wrapping his arms around him and closing his eyes.

"Damn, Ichigo. Yer muscles are all kinked up and yer reiatsu is depressing as hell. I'm startin to get depressed. What's goin on tonight?" the man asked, looking down at the orange hair beneath his chin.

"Just kinda in a sad mood, I guess. I'll get over it. Always do." Ichigo knew that for the other man to ask him what was wrong like that...it meant he was worried. Which meant his feelings were leaking through his reiatsu a bit too much. He had to learn to control that.

"Tell me...Fourth time in a row I woke up to this shit. Come on, lemme know who I gotta beat up." the redhead teased.

Ichigo scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous. Hey...Renji?" Ichigo whispered. Maybe he could tell Renji and nothing bad would happen...

"Yeah?" Renji asked, sliding his fingers through the orange spikes.

"Can we just go to sleep?" he asked, hating himself for being such a coward. But, he could simply not bring himself to ruin what they had. This was good enough. It had to be.

End

A/N: Okay...there went the idea of it being a drabble. --; Way too long for that, methinks. ;;


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